True. Horror.


fishingboatproceeds:

ohcurtains:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

what an amazing story

Wow.


barfpop:

before discovering lana del rey

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after discovering lana del rey

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zeeday:

this is the greatest pun i have ever witnessed

zeeday:

this is the greatest pun i have ever witnessed


theloneninjaranger:

wrasslers:

do you wanna look like this skeleton

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or THIS skeleton?

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drink a milk kids

just A milk


shampoo:

shampoo:

shampoo:

if you ever feel bad about yourself i want you to know that my catholic roommate once asked me what a pope was

she also asked me why guacamole tasted like avocados 

she thought california was its own country (i literally have a list of shit she has said and i’m going to add to this every week)


noirbettie:

dandehaane:

if u are scared or worried or stressed please just remember that even if you mess up super badly, doggies on the street will still tug on their owners when u walk by because they wanna say hello to u so badly

This is legitimately comforting.

notkatniss:

peculiarchildren:

notkatniss:

peculiarchildren:

honestly did taylor swift forget how to write music

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moijejoueauxfranglophones:

botherandbefuddle:

zourrifying:

reason to not become an adult

  • you can’t use the ‘my mum said i can’t go’ excuse to blow someone off

my mom has invited me over for dinner

my mom needs help with furniture

my mom just got a new phone and needs my help

my mom spoke to me from the grave and told me u need to stop inviting me out

saved for future reference


shingekinokyojinheaven:

the only photo set that actually matters on this stupid website


dragonsandcatporn:

sagaciouscejai:

mamasam:

Rum. Goldschlager. Gin. Vodka.
Only the avatar, master of all four alcohols, could get this shit cranked.

but when the party needed him most, he got sober.

and everything changed when the stoner nation attacked

dragonsandcatporn:

sagaciouscejai:

mamasam:

Rum. Goldschlager. Gin. Vodka.

Only the avatar, master of all four alcohols, could get this shit cranked.

but when the party needed him most, he got sober.

and everything changed when the stoner nation attacked



kawaiilluminatii:

dasfreefree:

i couldn’t make this up even if i tried

kawaiilluminatii:

dasfreefree:

i couldn’t make this up even if i tried


evinist:

Inspired by Justice League: Throne of Atlantis Official Trailer #1


h0ppip:

"hey aren’t you too old for Poké…”

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